OOAK Table Tennis Forum

I was proud to be one of the original Schildkrot researchers at DTTW, however after that famous episode, I came home one night to find my apartment ransacked and a strange intruder, skinny bald guy with British accent, bashed me over the head. The next thing I remember, I was locked in some kind of laboratory strapped to a gurney, and I couldn't remember anything I had researched about Schildkrot bats. I think they have some sort of mind altering research going on there, probably use it to train robotic champions as well as take care of people who dig too much like I did.

I saw the familiar turtle logo on the walls and immediately knew what was going on, and I feared that maybe they would just use me as testing fodder for a new deadly bat, however luckily I was able to grab one of their hobby bats off the table and use the inherent radioactive energy to burn through my shackles and escape.

Heed my warnings and tread lightly fellow Schildkrot fans!

Well I dont want to promise this or anything but there have been rumours of a new schildkrot bat being put together in the secret laboratories right now that is so fast and spinny that the ball is said to take the colour off the table and be able to go straight through the net at full force it can also leave a permenant red ball mark on your opponents if contact is made with there skin! But I really can't see this new super Schildkrot bat passing any enez tests?

May I know where can I buy the original radiated blade?

On the black market at your own risk Peter! You'll be very lucky to find one

Isn't it dangerous if we play with radiated blades?

Yes very, that's why the special PPE is required.

Is there any effect if we play with this blade?

There sure is. Injury effects mostly!

Thanks for any info

Schildkröt Bat Review: The 900

Where can one start in reviewing this ultra secret and über schnell OFF +++++ effort from the folks bearing the badge of the fearsome turtle. The 900 model is shrouded in secrecy and myth throughout each stage of research, development and secret underhanded under the table distribution. It is an enigma of top high end powerful speed and fleeting control. The goal was to suddenly and dramatically change the image of the firm while entrenching itself as THE defacto supplier of pro level equipment, thus ensuring the rest of the TT EJs (Like Speedplay and such) would buy the stuff like there is no tomorrow. You see, Schildkröt had been making all these slow crappy premade paddles pimped by famous TT champions that were so slow, that some of their models were bought up by NASA for research of Black Hole properties. They simply had to do SOMETHING to shed their real core identity.

No one really knows exactly where the initial design and research took place, but my guess it that an insider from Area 51 (The ultra-high security and secret place where the US Govt harbors all captured UFOs and Aliens) (Hey, you all knew that anyway – you all watched the X-Files, but you know, some people (like me) are entirely uncivilized savages who don’t watch much television) snuck his TT mate inside the compound to conduct his tests in relative safety from outside visibility/accountability. (No one would sue him if his tests injured a few aliens, eh mate?)

Research, development and testing took several years. Schildkröt wanted to get this one right. They wanted a bat so fast, it would blow by everything on the market by the most astounding of margins and catch the eyes of the pros to make them salivate. The researchers used every material known to man and had to invent several of them along the way. Out of the hundreds of combinations tried out, the staff settled on Titanium, Enriched Uranium, Fastidium Weave ™ (one of the materials they invented), and a newly discovered treatment to stiffen steel to make up the 15 % foreign material inserted into the Hinoki wood. That is the stuff of the blade. It came in weighing a negative 1342 grams! How did they do that? Well, we really don’t know, but it might have something to do with all those free electrons constantly being shot out of the Uranium core and also possibly due to some alien new life geometrics driven geometry. (They did that Area 51 for sure) For the rubbers, they simply combined the source of Bryce rubber molecules with skin grafts of Aliens hatched from unused stem cells, all processed slowly in a small scale nuclear reactor.

For the testing phase, they brought in several expensive BTY Amiscus robots to feed the balls. That was a bad move as the test player (someone named Steve Somethingortheother) ricocheted the balls off the table at 12,000 kph and busted several of the machines straight off. They should have stuck with Newgby. They come much less expensive and the supplier was much closer. This experienced caused the staff to require all participants in the testing phase to wear cumbersome Personal Protective Gear, like lead underwear, Integrated Ballistic Armour vests, Oakley eyewear (Hey it looks cool and the military uses it), Radioactive gloves (to counteract the radiation from the blade/rubber), and new generation Kevlar woven bandanas which look cooler than the ones worn by Speedplay. (Hey, it was for their own safety for crying out loud) The test participants had to undergo rigorous physical training to meet the physical demands of both the PPE and the 900. They ended up going through Army and Marine Boot Camp, Special Forces, Airborne, Pathfinder, Navy SEALs, and Delta Force training just to be available for two weeks each of testing. That is the longest any of them lasted. Jack Bauer expressed interest in the project, but a sudden 24 hour national crisis took his immediate attention.

Now the staff finalized their product, but had to figure out how to slip these Titans of TT bats to the Chinese team. The solution they came up with involved packaging them as ordinary pre-made bats. The CTTA was advised to look for the 900 on the cover typed in Courrier font, instead of the normal Donic print. The Chinese team got a hold of 5 of these bats and had their rising players take turns using it. Details are not so definite, but it is rumored that the high radiation made it through the CTTA approved PPE suits and ruined the careers of over a dozen promising players. Balls hit out also caused 8 eye injuries to provincial coaches standing to close to the court. Their ballistic eyewear apparently wasn’t up to standard. That was both a curse and a blessing. A curse for those in hope, and a blessing to the established players on the National team – they had a dozen less top stars at their heals for a spot on the team, thus giving Ma Lin and WLQ a shot at Olympic Glory. The president of the CTTA kindly asked Schildkröt to call off the project and arranged compensation to Schildkröt through a lucrative manufacturing agreement.

It is rumored that Schildkröt failed to successfully recall all of the 50 production bats in circulation. So, be careful out there when you break out a 100, 300, or 900 series Schildkröt ™ bat. Be on guard for the symptoms. The sure thing to look for is the sonic boom and the caved-in wall on the other side of the gym after you hit your first powerloop. Schildkröt wanted to get everyone to “Fear the Turtle” and I think they may have succeeded in ways they never intended.

So, if you are around a TT hall somewhere in the world and hear an over 40 gent wearing something like a futuristic cross between a Hazmat suit and advanced Riot Police Gear tell his opponent that he had better "Fear the Turtle" if he knows what is for his own good, then you should immediately evacuate the building. Winning the matches is not worth being in the hot zone of the collateral damage.